Honesty

Or should I say, being frank? Is being honest different from being frank? Do you always need to be frank if you have to be honest? Or, let me put the question the other way round. Can you not be frank without being dishonest? I have pondered over this question often. It's not that I am always honest. I am not the Mahatma, nor am I Swami Vivekananda or any of the people who have got near-saint status today. I am just another person on the street who sometimes feels it's good to be honest and sometimes, the other way.

Come back to the point. Come back to the point. I need to tell this to myself. I have a habit of talking rubbish all the time. And cyberspace seems to come for free so its better all the time! But actually coming to the point, I was asking, what do I do when I tell myself, I think you should be honest now; or when I tell the other me, it's time to show honesty the back door for sometime. Let's take the second case now. Because guess what, every day it seems to me that we are evolving as human beings, and we are becoming better and better to hide stuff from others, but it's possibly putting things across the table is what is getting tough for us.

I have often come across situations, when I thought, being honest about everything is not the best option. I guess most others would also have; and I would not list them here anyway. Even for argument's sake we can assume such situations. Now, I would ask myself - obviously, if you are not being honest, it's better to have lesser number of confidantes - whether I should go ahead and tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth; or do I take some other way? And that's the time, something new, called stakes, crop up in my mind. What are the stakes involved? What happens when I act in a certain way? What do I gain out of it? What do I lose? An economics student might barge in and exclaim, hey, are you talking about pay-offs? Are you talking strategy? I would like to think for a moment, and say, what is all that? She would say, you know, you design a strategy so that you maximize your gain. So you would rather not be honest in some situations. You better tell the opposite. I ask her, you mean, lies? She says, in a way, yes! I ask her, then, what about conscience? She asks me back, what is that? I nod my head. She walks away, disappointed. Logic and utility theory. It doesn't always work that way.

I sit back in my chair and think, well I possibly can't tell the truth; and I possibly can't lie. The other me yells, you moron, you good for nothing! Can't you do such a simple thing? Go ahead and lie. I get up. I listen to the other me. It yells again, why are you shaking? You dumb. You'll get caught. Sit down. We'll think through this. So I sit down once more. It tells me, see, this is simple. You need to keep quiet. Absolutely quiet. You know, like in those films. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.... I feel, wow this is great. I didn't have to spill the beans. I didn't need to lie either. I feel wonderful. See, you can be not frank and you need not be dishonest. I manage everything absolutely fine.

And things are on their way again. And then I feel it. Something is not right. Well, it wasn't right in the first place. Others think it is all right. I know it is not. What is wrong with me? I mean, it's not a big deal. I can manage it. Why do I need others to know about it? They are doing fine without knowing anything. They can live without it. Just keep it to yourself, you fool. That's the other me screaming. But this time I get the better of it. I possibly shouldn't have. The other me is far more intelligent than me. But I did, and that's that.

So, now we are at the other square. Or is it square number one? I have stopped counting squares long ago. Tough exercise, this counting squares. Just think that it's a different square every time you move, and you would feel great. Small things to make you happy! Cut the crap now, back to, well, if you must, square number one. I need to be honest. Honesty is the best policy. It is in the book, everybody keeps on saying it nowadays, even every company you might work for tells you so. One line. Don't you believe it. Cynic, you would call me. As if I ever cared! Mistaken, you would say, I am. I need to be honest, or I need not be dishonest, I just need not be frank. I tell you, go back to the beginning of this page, I have tried all that. I have just failed. You tell me, I need more skills. I tell you, right now, I need to get this stuff done. Get it? Done. Later, I can have all the skills and all the tactics and all those courtesy speeches. Rude you are, you tell me. Yes I am, and deal with it, I say. Door opens, enter communication specialist, speaks, you know, there is a communication breakdown here. Let's analyze the problem. I ask her, can you tell me how to be honest and not frank? She tells me, well, you can always keep quiet. I nod my head. I get out of the room.

I'm on my alone now. I need to tell the truth. I need to be honest. I need to not be frank. Well, stop there for a moment. What's all this about not being frank? All the people I speak to love frank people. They say they do. They say they are frank people. They tell me things on my face. They tell me I have to deal with it; they can't help it. Of course, they would love frankness, and come to think about it, I may just be rewarded for being so forthcoming and frank; all that 360 degree feedback and stuff; relationship building; all those rosy things one sees in magazines and reads in business weeklies; all that and more.

Yes. This is what I need to do. I have my stuff perfectly cut out for me. I just go ahead and tell them whatever I need to tell them. First I think how should I do it. I think, small doses should be good you know. Big steps might hurt people. So I tread softly. I try giving hints. But surprise! No one gets them. I tell myself, my o my how stupid have people become these days. All those computers I say. Taken away all the intelligence from people. So I change my plan. I take a deep breath, go up to them, tap on their back, and tell them, know what, I had this thing to tell you. Can you give me a few minutes? They turn around, and say, yes you were telling something? I tell them, yes, know what, I was trying to tell you this since the last few days and I think I couldn't get the message across. So here's the thing. And they smile at me, and say, yeah nice joke, and then turn around and get into whatever they were doing. I think, what the heck? And I tap them again, and I tell them, listen, I think you didn't hear me properly last time. I said....and they turn back to me, and said, yes? I say, you know, I said....

And then I see their faces change. Some are angry. Some are hurt. Some faces I don't know whether I can describe. One thing I know for sure. They are not the same they were before. And all that smile and yeah what a nice joke was a last ditch attempt to tell themselves that nothing had gone wrong. That all I am, would probably vanish into thin air the moment they turn back. And that didn't happen. They are disappointed. I think I need to reconcile. I try to explain them everything that I thought might have gone wrong. They listen to me. Or I think they do. I ask them, is everything all right? They say, yes everything is all right. No need to worry about anything. I think they've settled down. I ask them, so let's plan about that stuff we were talking about last week? They tell me, know what, we have other things to do right now. You go ahead with your plans. Will catch up with you later. I ask them, well, later as in? They tell me, it is not easy to tell that; we'll let you know. I try to read them. I sense something wrong.

They are uncomfortable with me.